They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
