I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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