While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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