I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
