you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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