After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
