I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
