I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
