Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
