i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
