if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
