I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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