That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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