Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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