she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
