I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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