fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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