I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
