hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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