I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
