I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
