You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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