If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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