yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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