So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
