Already got asked if we're dating
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
