Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
