i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
