Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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