Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
