Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
