It was confusing and full of hummus
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
