i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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