i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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