Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
