i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
