dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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