Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
