8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
