i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
