I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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