It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
