God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
