I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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