So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
