She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
