There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
