why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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