No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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