I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
