2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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