I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
