the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
