her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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