Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
