I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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