I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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