it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
