she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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